I am lucky to have a job in this economy. The job is pretty neat, it’s an office-style white-collar part-time thing-a-ma-jig. As a bonus, I don’t have an employment gap.
Although I am only in the office about 10 hours a week, I am still meeting those kinds of people. Office People.
I define Office People as people who have been in an Office too long. Or not long enough. They’ve forgotten or never knew the intricacies of social interactions. They are just odd. These are a few of my favorites.
The Tooth Brusher
Oral Hygiene is very important. There are studies that indicate that good oral health means good overall health.
The Tooth Brusher takes it the extra step. The Tooth Brusher brushes at least 4 times a day. They brushed after breakfast, the brushed after coffee, they brushed after lunch and they are going to brush after dinner. Right after dinner. No fewer than 30 minutes because bacteria grows quickly in the mouth.
The odd part about the Tooth Brusher is not that they care about their oral health. The odd thing is because they brush twice a day at home and twice a day at the office, their toothbrushing time is almost always correlated with my BM time. The Tooth Brusher is either in the bathroom spending 15 minutes on their teeth when I need to poo, or she’s coming in right after I’ve determined the bathroom to be vacant.
The Tooth Brusher doesn’t care that I’ve been nice enough to hold your urgent need until everyone else has had their go at the restroom. The Tooth Brusher also has an urgent need. She needs to get the poppy seeds, wheat, starches, saliva and sugar out of her teeth NOW, dammit, now, before those teeth rot inside her face!
The Tooth Brusher will be at the basin and mirror when I are done. She is standing, still brushing, looking at me, silently judging me for pooping on work time.
The Toilet Diner
The Toilet Diner is sad. She says she eats in the bathroom because there is a small table and chair.
She’s really eating in the restroom because she didn’t want to make a choice about whom to sit with. Because she thinks everyone hates her. She’s so lonely, and she knows that a large number of people will pass her in the bathroom on their lunch break, and maybe invite her back to their lunching location.
They aren’t going to, Toilet Diner. Not after seeing how comfortable you are with resting your lunch on the table that sits in the restroom.
Confession: I used to eat lunch in the restroom in high school. Not because I wanted to be invited to a table, but because I wanted to hide my poor person food and hide from people. When anyone asked what I was doing for lunch, I could say I’d already eaten it. Then I would go to the library and play on the hot new-thing (at the time), the internet.
The Whistler loves life! The whistler has a song in his heart! The Whistler was once told that they had a pretty whistle. The whistler chooses to share his gift by creating possibly the most annoying sound in the world!
The Shy Girl/The Office Bitch
I can’t tell if you are shy, ShyGirl/OfficeBitch, or the bitchiest bitcherson who ever bitched. I say, “Good Morning,” and you say “mmm.” Thinking you might be superstitious, and believe wishing some good on someone would backfire, I cut the “Good” and just say, “Morning.” You say “…”
I don’t think you said anything, you could have mumbled, or you could have said nothing.
I know your vocal chords work. I’ve heard you talk to the boss. You have a horrible superior tone to your voice, too. Maybe I’m projecting. Maybe I’m worried I’m coming off as superior, but you’ve only talked to me via the bosses, even when I’m present.
Shy or not, I’ve decided that you are still a bitch.
So readers, If you read this, who are your favorite office characters? I’ve focused on the negative here, do you have any personalities you can’t live without?
*The photo of “Office People” curiously comes from Preferred Rental of Santa Barbara.